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Over-Anxious... Depressed... and Exhausted. |
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Written by Milorad Cavic
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Tuesday, 06 May 2008 |
It’s been a while since the last time I wrote about anything, and the truth is, there hasn’t been a whole lot going on other than a lot of training... living the way I do (eating-sleeping-swimming) is hardly food for thought, and is borderline crazy! But, since this website was created so that my friends and fans could follow me on my journey, I’ve decided to return to write about myself once again…
You may be slightly shocked and curious as to what’s going on when just looking at the title that I’ve given this journal entry… but real life is real life, and we have to confront it eventually. I went to see a doctor today because I’m feeling depressed, over-anxious, and exhausted. This is the way it’s been for a long time, each of them to a different degree at different times, but overall I’ve been feeling this for years, and it’s affecting my life and swimming more heavily than ever.
Although I’m not entirely sure what is going on with me, I do know what I haven’t really slept in a long, long time. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I slept 6 hours straight, or over the course of a night, without waking up 3-4 or even 5-6 times. Those who know me and have spent enough time around me know that I’m always yawning, and I can’t stop it or help it. Is it a sleeping disorder? Maybe. It may very well be a thyroid deficiency. Whatever it may be, I know that it has been negatively affecting my swimming and my personal life overall. The Olympics is only 3 months away, and everyday I feel a great thrill that my time is coming, but at the same time, my exhaustion is pushing me into a state of depression. When I’m working out, I’m continually training better than I’ve ever trained in the past, but its like an emotional rollercoaster. Before a hard swim set, I would be thinking, “I’ve had enough, I’d like to just go home” and then when I step up onto the starting block, I think, “I’m not going to quit” and feel that there is no way that guy next to me is going to better than me! Just like that, like a switch of a light – on and off… but the opposite is also true sometimes.
On the outside, people see me as the guy I really am – always joking and smiling – but I feel that those things are necessary for me to cope with the difficult issues I’ve been facing for a long time internally. Two of my greatest passions in life are helping people and RACING! The beauty of these two things is that they have brought me to meet some incredible people. Some of these people have helped me during some tough times and I will never forget them for it. On the other side of things, it brings me great pain to know that I have pushed some pretty amazing people away from me because of my weaknesses. I’ll have to wait a few days to see my results, and perhaps figure out how to get some things in my life in order.
Fortunately for me, I’m not the only one in my training group that is doing the tough workouts that we do. I’m blessed to have such great training partners and positive coaches on deck. They’re my family and my brothers here in the Florida Keys. Thanks for being there guys!!!
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M.Cavic